The Need To Feel Free Again

Sometimes a vacation is the only thing that can help you to find something that seems to be missed...

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4    Part 5    Part 6    Part 7    Page 2

Author Name: Michaela aka Michi

Classification: Harm & Mac / Romance

Rating: somewhere between IM15 and SLSV

Spoilers: Everything up to Season 9 - Story takes place after the season’s final episode Hail & Farewell. The rest of the JAG era we know, never happened in this story

Disclaimer: JAG and its characters are the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and Paramount.

For your information, next to the badly needed re-beta read, this revised edition has quite a few changes and additions to the original story ‘TNTFFA’, which was first published 7-3-04. The concept and central theme are still the same… but that’s about it LOL

A huge thanks goes out to my beta and advising team and a special one to Kathy, who’s also my co-author of this story! :-) I never thought it would be that much fun to learn the fine art of American English and I can only hope you won’t ‘fire’ me LOL. I love you girl! … Any mistakes left are mine…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thursday
May 27, 2004
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
9:14 AM

“Hey Harm,” Mac uttered barely audible, a smile gracing her face as she stood in the doorway of Harm’s office. She was not in uniform and appeared relaxed leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed loosely over her chest. Her attire was civilian casual; merely faded jeans and a white French cuff button down shirt while her feet were clad in thong sandals, making her bright red toe nail polish, acquired from her recent pedicure, visible.

Harm was so pre-occupied with law books and the papers that were spread out all over his desk that he wasn’t immediately aware of her presence or of the way that she was intently watching him.

When he finally did look up, he instantly gave her a big smile of his own. “Hi Mac. Come on in,” Harm stated pensively and put his pencil down on the notebook in front of him.

“Thanks… umm… I really would like to talk to you about something. Can you spare a few minutes for me?” Mac asked while she slowly sat down in one of Harm’s visitor chairs, nervously nibbling on her lower lip.

“For you? Always! Is this about your appointment at Bethesda? How did it go? How do you feel? What did the doc say?” Harm asked worriedly without taking a breath. He quickly stood up and walked around his desk to his office door to close it so that they would have some privacy before lowering himself into the other visitor chair right beside Mac.

“Whoa! Slow down, Harm.” Mac laughed softly. “I’m fine and there’s no need to worry. Just the same soreness as before and some pain here and there. But all in all it is barely noticeable. However, that’s not what I needed to tell you… umm... I just talked with the Admiral about taking a few days off, and he granted my request and gave me permission to leave DC as soon as I leave here.”

Harm looked at her a little taken aback. “Oh… where are you going?”

“Vermont.”

“Vermont?”

“Yes. I had a long conversation with Chloe yesterday. She called me and somehow during the course of our conversation, her intuition told her that things weren’t quite right and that something was bothering me. She asked me if I would like to take a few days off and come to Vermont. It sounded like a good idea.”

“Yeah, it sure does,” Harm quietly said. “Well, it has been a while since you’ve seen her, hasn’t it?” He asked, wondering how the girl who is not so little anymore was doing these days. It still seemed like it was just yesterday when he’d found her in the elevator shaft ‘Time certainly goes by,’ Harm thought to himself.

“True. But I won’t get to see her on this trip either,” Mac informed him.

Harm gave Mac a puzzled look but said nothing and she took it as sign to continue. “Right now she’s on her way to Paris as part of a student exchange program. But it’s not really a bad thing… I think… I just need some time alone.”

“Oh,” was all Harm could say, not knowing exactly what to think about it.

“Chloe told me that her grandparents have a cottage near their farm, which is right next to a lake. She said that I could go over whenever I wanted to.”

“But why? I mean, you said you need to be alone. Is it me? Am I too... I don’t know, am I too clingy?” Harm sadly asked confused and slightly hurt. “Maybe I’ve overdone it a little. I’m sorry if I overstepped…”

Without thinking twice, Mac placed a hand on Harm’s cheek and reached down to take one of his hands into her other one.

“Harm, no! You didn’t do anything wrong, nor did you overstep any boundaries. This has nothing to do with you or your care for me. It’s me and only me. I just need a change of surroundings for a little while. I need to find something that I’ve lost. I’ve tried to do it here, but it’s just not working.”

“What do you need to find?” Harm asked. “You’re not running away, right?”

“NO!” Mac replied louder than she intended to and then took a deep breath. “No, I’m not running away,” she answered forcefully and slowly removed her hand from his cheek.

“So… why?” Harm wanted so badly to know, and to understand her reasons.

“I need to find Sarah. I know she’s in here.” Mac pointed to her heart. “But I can’t reach her. I can’t even explain it. I just need to do this. I need to feel free again. Can you understand that, Harm?”

Harm didn’t need to think twice about his answer. “Yes. Yes, I can. Very well actually… So… how long do you plan on being away?”

“The Admiral said I could take off the rest of this week as well as the next one. I’m not quite sure whether or not I will spend the entire time in Vermont. I simply don’t know yet.”

Mac waited for a response from Harm, but the only response she got was seeing a very depressed looking Harm.

“Harm? What’s wrong?” Mac worriedly asked, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

She could feel something was bothering him and she was pretty sure that it didn’t have anything to do with her taking a short vacation.

“Nothing… nothing is wrong,” he quickly answered and gave her a little smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “When does your flight leave? And what airline are you flying?” Harm asked and Mac knew he was intentionally changing the subject. “I could drive you to the airport.”

“Thanks but that won’t be necessary. Air Vette is taking off in a few minutes,” Mac stated with a grin on her face. “To be exact… as soon as I’m out of this building.” She couldn’t wait to take this ride. It would feel great. She wanted to soar like a bird, she wanted to feel free.

“You’re driving all the way to Vermont?” Harm asked in astonishment. “Isn’t that too strenuous for you?”

Mac chuckled and shook her head. “No, it’s not. And just to be on the safe side I asked my doctor if it was okay to make a seven plus hour drive to Vermont. She told me it would be okay and suggested that when I feel too sore I should take a little break and get out of the car for a few minutes. And that’s what I’ll do when it’s needed.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“You’ll call as soon as you get there?”

“Okay, I can do that too.” Mac gave him a soft smile.

“Good. Drive careful please,” Harm stated and tenderly squeezed her hand which was still placed in his.

“Will do…. Are you sure you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you? I can feel that something is wrong with you and I’m sure it has nothing to do with my vacation plans,” Mac paused and looked into his eyes for some answer. “What’s wrong, Harm?”

“It's nothing, Mac. I’ll just miss you that’s all. And of course I envy you for being able to take this vacation,” Harm answered with one of his flyboy grins.

But it wasn’t the flyboy grin Mac knew and loved so much. She was sure there were other reasons why Harm looked so sad and dejected. He was hiding something, but she knew at this point that Harm wasn’t about to open up to her, so she just had to let it go... at least for now.

“I’ll miss you too, Harm.” She reached into her pocket and handed him a slip of paper. “Here is the address of the Anderson’s and their phone number. I’m sure Martha wouldn’t mind taking a message if you can’t reach me on my cell phone. So whenever you need me or if something is wrong, please call. Okay?”

“I’ll do that. Now get out of here, before you have to drive in the middle of the night.”

“Take care, Sailor,” Mac said before giving him a kiss on his forehead, letting her lips linger there for a few seconds.

“You too, Marine,” Harm whispered. He gave her hand a final squeeze before letting her stand up and walk out of his office.

“Do you need me to water your plants?” Harm questioned behind her.

Mac laughed and shook her head, immediately remembering the time when she had once asked him the exact same question. “Sorry, flyboy. I don’t have any plants.”

“Too bad,” Harm quietly said and followed her into the bullpen, watching her until she reached the elevator and with one last wink Mac was out of his sight.

He stood there in the bullpen with his eyes fixed on the closed elevator doors when he suddenly felt that he couldn’t let her go yet. He turned around and quickly walked back into his office, closing the door behind him. He knew that he could see her car from his office window and that’s what he needed to do.

Mac must have sensed his gaze, since she didn’t get into her care immediately. Slowly she turned around and looked up to his window with a big smile on her face and gave him a wave. Harm had to laugh about how transparent he was when it came to her. He waved back and watched her as she got into the car. He remained at his window as she drove out of the parking lot and out of his sight.

Now he was alone. Much more alone than Mac could have possibly known.

*

Thursday
May 27, 2004
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
5:57 PM

'What a day,' Harm thought and knew it wasn’t about to get any better, which made it all even worse, if that was even possible.

'Well, it’s a good thing this case is finally over,' Harm thought grimacing while closing the folder in front of him. Today was the day when things would really change for him and this hopeless case hadn’t done anything to enhance his mood.

Then there was Mac. Harm sighed deeply and slowly turned in his office chair until he was able to look out of the window, pondering their last significant conversation. He was worried about Mac, but knew he had to accept and most of all to trust her decision about handling things her way and on her own terms.

At the admiral’s Dining Out he had told her that he would always be there for her and he meant it. But what more could he do without pressuring her?

He hoped she knew that he was different from all the other men that passed through her life. He wasn’t young and reckless like Eddie, or abusive like Chris, he wasn’t her commanding officer and mentor like John Farrow, nor was he possessive like Dalton or pushy like Mic had been. He just wanted to be there for her as her equal for better or worse.

'I need to find Sarah.' Harm could still hear her voice from earlier. 'Can you understand that, Harm?' "Yeah. Believe me, I can. Only too well," he muttered and closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his throbbing temples.

Harm had been having the same type of feelings himself on and off for the past few months; oftentimes, it caused him to feel like a stranger even to himself. This was true especially during the time he had worked for the CIA after his return from Paraguay. That was a cold and dark time for him. It was as if he had lost the essence of who Harmon Rabb was and a vital part of his personality had been striped away. At times, he felt as though he was being navigated by remote control. Truth is, he couldn’t really put his finger on it and he didn’t know why these feelings existed; but what he did know was that they all too often gnawed at his insides like an all-consuming cancer.

"Can what?" Someone asked from behind, bringing Harm out of his deep thoughts.

"Huh?" Harm stated astonished as he turned around to look towards his office door.

"You said 'believe me, I can'. So, what is it that you can?" Sturgis asked frowning from the doorway of Harm's office, wondering what was going on with his friend.

"Nothing, buddy. I was just thinking out loud that’s all. What can I do for you, Sturg?" Harm asked, trying hard to sound cordial.

"I was wondering if you would be interested in a basketball game and maybe a beer afterwards? Varise is out of town, and I thought we both could have some fun tonight. And if you ask me, you sure look like you could use a diversion my friend. What do you think? Are you game?"

"Sorry, buddy, but I can't. Mattie's at home waiting for me. She's cooking for us tonight. But how about a rain check?"

"Sure, why not. Have fun and say hi to Mattie for me, will you?" Sturgis said, wondering what was going on with his friend. Somehow, in the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but think that it had something to do with a beautiful female marine.

"Will do. Night, Sturg."

"Night, Harm," Sturgis replied before he turned around and walked out of the office to call it a night.

Harm was glad to have a legitimate reason for not being able to join Sturgis because he was in no mood to deal with the third degree Sturgis would certainly impose on him. He didn’t want to be interrogated, not tonight.

'Well, I guess it's time to face reality,' Harm thought and started packing his briefcase.

After switching off the lights and locking up his office, he left headquarters to get home where Mattie would be waiting for him with a home cooked dinner.


*


Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station, DC
6:46 PM

The moment Harm opened the door he could smell the appetizing aroma of the lasagna Mattie was making for them. Cooking was definitely not one of Mattie's favorite activities. She was more of the 'calling for a pizza'-type, just like a certain marine he knew.

The thought of Mac and a half veggie half three-meat pizza along with their snuggling together on his couch watching Top Gun brought a pleasant little smile to his handsome face.

"Whatcha grinning about, Harm? Want to share the joke?" Mattie asked with a grin of her own.

"Hey, Mattie. It was nothing, really. How is the lasagna doing? Do I have enough time to change into something more comfortable?"

"Sure, no problem. It's nearly finished. Maybe another 5 minutes or so."

"Good, I'll be right back then. Why don't you set the table in the mean time?"

“Are you doing the dishes afterwards?” Mattie called after him, the cheeky grin still firmly in place.

“Hmm… let me think… Yeah, I think I can handle that,” Harm answered from his bedroom chuckling.

"Well then… sure, I’ll set the table,” she replied and got some plates out of the cabinet. “Oh, by the way… Mac called just a few minutes ago. She wanted me to tell you that Air Vette landed safely and that she would try to call you later… oh and Martha told her it could be a problem using the cell phone around the cottage area. So if she doesn’t call, there is no need for you to worry," Mattie told Harm as she set the table.

In frustration, he shut the door of his wardrobe a little harder than he intended to and leaned his forehead against it closing his eyes succumbed by disappointment.

'Damn it, I missed her call. I really need to hear her voice right about now,' Harm thought in sadness, but managed to compose himself enough to answer calmly, "Thanks, kiddo."

"I told her that we’re going to the movies tonight to see Shrek 2. She said she would call around eleven o’clock. You should be back home by then."

"How did she sound?" Harm asked as he came out of his bedroom buttoning his shirt.

"What do you mean?" Mattie asked looking up at him puzzled, not really understanding the meaning behind his question.

"Oh… it’s nothing really. It's just that… well Mac drove her ‘vette to Vermont and it's a rather long ride. Did she sound tired? I'm sure she won’t have a chance to call me tonight. So I won’t get the opportunity to talk to her," Harm muttered trying to hide his worries from his ward.

So far nobody knew about Mac's health problems and he had promised her to leave it at that for now. She wanted to know what the prognosis and treatment was before she would 'share' it with anybody else. He totally understood her wishes and he was elated that she at least told him about her 'situation', as she called it.

It was comforting for him to know that she trusted their friendship enough to open up, let her marine guard down and tell him about her condition, because reaching out was not an easy thing for Mac to do.

Though he knew he wanted so much more in terms of a relationship with Mac, he wouldn’t push it. He was content with the way things were progressing for now, and vowed he would wait until she was ready to admit that she wanted more as well.


* Flashback *


"Why are you so completely surprised that I told you about it, Harm? I mean, look at it this way… now I have a very good excuse when I need you to rub my back, or if I need to borrow your electric heating pad again," Mac said jokingly with a laugh and a wink.

"Oh, you like my massages, don’t you, Marine?" Harm asked her with a raised eyebrow and smirk on his face.

Mac was laughing even more now, unable to hold back her response. "You bet I do. You sure know how to use your hands, Commander," Mac replied coyly before she sauntered out of the break room, leaving a blushing Harm behind.

She was gone before he could tell her that excuses were not necessary because he would do anything for ‘his’ marine.


* End of Flashback *


Mattie was intrigued as she watched her guardian. She knew his mind was elsewhere or rather his thoughts were about someone else. "Harm? Hello! Earth to Harm! Hey Houston, do you have a problem?"

She was worried about him. Mattie knew today would be pretty hard on him. Heck, it wasn't an easy day for her either, but she knew it would be much harder for Harm. She wondered if he had told Mac or someone else about what was going on. But somehow she felt that he hadn’t told a soul about it. Mattie was sure Mac wouldn't have left if she knew what was going on here.

"Ha ha, very funny, kiddo. Now come on, let's eat. We don't want to miss Shrek," Harm told Mattie and once again tried to change the subject.

But Mattie detected his strategy and she wouldn't be Mattie if she just let it drop. She owed him a lot, much more than she would ever be able to repay. All she wanted was the best for Harm and for him to be happy.

"You haven't told Mac anything about today, have you?" Mattie softly asked when she joined Harm at the dining table. “Because I know that she wouldn't be in Vermont right now had she known. And she for sure would have at least asked me on the phone about it. I am right, aren’t I?"

"Mattie... please," Harm started but was interrupted by Mattie’s sudden outburst and stern look.

"Harm!"

"No," Harm whispered his answer in defeat diverting his eyes down to the lasagna in front of him rather than looking into Mattie’s soul searching ones. He knew he had to be honest with her because she would be able to see right through him. "No, I haven't told Mac anything about tonight."

"Why not?" She asked softly. Mattie had powered down now after hearing the deflated tone in Harm’s voice. She really hoped he would open up to her and let her know what he was feeling and what exactly was going on between him and Mac.

"Mattie… it's complicated, okay?” Harm tried to make her understand and sighed. “Mac has a lot on her mind at the moment, and I thought she should enjoy her little vacation without worrying about me too… I'll be fine, Mattie. I'm happy for you… I'll miss you, but I'm happy for you."

"I love you, Harm," Mattie said with a teary voice and quickly gave him a hug.

"I love you too, kiddo.” Harm suppressed a smile as he realized how easy those three little words had just rolled off his tongue to Mattie. He couldn’t help but wonder why it was always so hard to say them to Mac.

“Okay, let's eat and then we have a date with Shrek. Have you packed your bag already or do you still need to do it?"

"Nope, everything is ready. Dad called me this afternoon. He'll pick me up at school tomorrow. From there we'll drive straight to the Shenandoah Valley to Luray."

"Good. When was the last time you went camping?" Harm asked with interest trying to keep the conversation centered on her as he took a bite of his lasagna.

Mattie shrugged. "A few years ago," she stated and had to laugh. "It was raining the whole time and we had to leave before we drowned."

"I'm sure you'll have a great time," Harm told her softly.

"Yeah, but I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. But we'll see each other in a few weeks again. And you can always call me. You know that, right?"

"You bet," Mattie answered before she leaned over and gave Harm a peck on his cheek and another hug.

"I'm so happy for you, Mattie," Harm told her with a tear in his eye.

He wouldn't let her see how much this all actually upset him. It was the best thing for Mattie to spend some time with her father. To see her that happy made him feel happy, even if it hurt him to see her leave. "Okay, enough of this. Let’s finish our dinner. There’re only a few more minutes to spare before we have to leave for the movie. We don't want to be late, young lady."

"Aye aye, Sir," Mattie answered with a little salute as they both finished their dinners.

As soon as they were done, Harm and Mattie left their plates in the kitchen. Mattie walked from the kitchen to the coat rack where Harm was already holding her jacket. She put it on as she let her eyes roam quickly around his apartment trying to capture everything to memory. It would be a while before she would be here again. She knew she would miss it terribly. Just the way she would miss Harm.

'It's good to know that he has Mac,' Mattie thought and smiled before she and Harm left the apartment.

*

Friday
May 28, 2004
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station, DC
3:27 AM


He was extremely restless and rolled over in his bed for what felt like the fiftieth time, still unable to attain the much needed sleep he craved. Not that it was any different from the last few nights. He was tired both physically and emotionally, and he honestly didn’t know how many more sleepless nights he could endure.

Obviously, Harm’s current state of unrest was causing him extreme frustration. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger while glancing at his nightstand; he could see that in only two and a half hours his alarm clock would announce a new day and new challenges.

Another chapter of his muddled life seemed to be closed for good and this time it was the chapter called ‘Mattie’.

She informed him last weekend that her father had asked her to go on vacation with him. He had planned a camping trip to the Shenandoah Valley. There were a lot of things they could do together; things like canoeing, kayaking, fishing, and of course mountain biking. Harm could see how excited Mattie got the more she told him about the trip. She showed him brochures about the Valley along with information she had found on the internet.

She had been given the opportunity to reconcile with her dad, and she was finally willing to take the chance.

Harm was extremely proud of his little girl. It always stirred something inside of him when he thought of Mattie as his. Just when he was starting to accept the harsh reality that children may never be a part of his life, Mattie came along and changed everything.

Harm knew first hand what it was like to loose a father, and his heart still ached to know what it would have been like to have Harm Sr. in his life. All he had wanted was for Mattie to realize that she still HAD Tom, and it was up to her to reach out and take him back into her life. If it worked out for them, and he sincerely hoped it would, then he would be more than happy to take on the roll as her ‘other’ dad. He didn’t want Mattie to grow up and have regrets.

This whole experience with Mattie brought thoughts about his step dad Frank Burnett to the surface. Frank had entered his life at a time when he was still haunted by thoughts of his dad, and because of this obsession Harm had never been able to reciprocate any of Frank’s feelings. This was a wrong he now knew he had to make right.

Still wrestling with his thoughts, Harm turned on his side closing his eyes, thinking about how he met Mattie and how she had pulled him out of a deep emotional hole and made him know what it felt like to be needed and to make a difference in someone’s life. He knew no matter what, he would always be there for her.

He thought back to the first time he tried talking to Mattie about her relationship with Tom and the possibility of their reuniting and getting things back on track, about her being able to give him another chance.

At first she was angry, awfully angry. Angry with her dad, but most of all she was mad at Harm. Back then, Mattie made it clear how much she hated Harm for making her go back to her father. She had screamed at him while tears streamed freely down her cheeks. It broke his heart to see her like that, but he knew even though she was upset it was necessary, for her own good, to put her through it.

Of course Harm had tried to tell her he wouldn't force her to go back or do anything she didn't want to do. He tried to explain that he was merely looking out for her overall welfare. But it was like talking to a brick wall. The conversation ended with a very upset and angry Mattie storming out of his apartment and nearly colliding with a stunned marine. The next audible sound had been a loud bang of her apartment door, which told him the conversation was over and done with.

Harm could see from the look in Mac's eyes that she had heard the whole fight. It was like seeing all his pain reflected in her eyes. The next thing Harm knew, he was in her comforting arms. 'Give her some time, Harm', 'everything will be okay', 'she didn't mean it like that. Just give her some time' Mac had soothingly told him over and over again. Her strength and encouragement fueled his ability to pursue the matter with Mattie.

'I don't even know why Mac had come over that night,' Harm suddenly realized.

It seemed like they had talked for hours. They mainly talked about Mattie and her situation with her father. Actually, Harm talked while Mac listened.

The next morning Harm found out that Mac had done much more than just listen to him. She had spoken with Mattie as well and whatever words of wisdom Mac had conveyed to Mattie worked wonders.

Mattie apologized that morning. She felt bad for hurting him with the things she’d said and was truly sorry about everything. Harm made it clear he understood Mattie's feelings and that he only wanted what was best for her. Mattie had answered him with ‘Maybe you’re what’s best for me, Harm’ and began to cry again while Harm took her into his embrace, soothed her and said with a broken voice ‘Maybe. And maybe you’ll find someone even better.’

He had been very curious about what Mac had told Mattie to make her reevaluate everything.

That was when Mattie told him that the most important thing Mac did was to listen to her.
However, she also told Harm how Mac told her about growing up without the opportunity to have a relationship with her dad and the adverse effect it had on her.

Mac also told her how Joe MacKenzie never attempted to change anything in his entire life. She said that Mattie was lucky to have a father who was trying his best to gain control of his life and do the right thing in order to reclaim the trust and respect of his little girl. She endeavored to make Mattie understand that the hate she harbored would consume her if she didn’t let it go. She further told Mattie how it was Harm who had talked her into going to see her own father when he was dying so that she would have no regrets after he died.

But most of all Mac had tried to assure Mattie that Harm had her best interest at heart and he was resolved to do whatever he felt was needed to make her happy even if the outcome would cause his own heart to break.

Later that day Harm had tried to thank Mac for her help, but she just said that she had only told Mattie the truth.

What Mac didn’t tell Harm was how impressed she was that this young girl could walk into his life and unknowingly shatter his well-built barriers and teach the arrogant naval aviator how to love unconditionally.

Harm once more turned over and stared at the ceiling. Now that he was wide awake Harm’s thoughts were about Mac. She hadn't called again last night.

'Guess Martha was right about not being able to use the cell phone in that area,' Harm thought disappointed. 'I wish I could hear her voice.'

Harm never told Mac about Mattie's vacation plans with her dad. She already had a lot on her mind, and he didn't want to bother her with his problems. 'Mattie's only going to be gone for three weeks,' Harm told himself, but deep down he knew this was the beginning of the end of the father/daughter relationship they currently shared. He knew they would always remain close, but it would definitely be different from now on.

"This is useless," Harm muttered while getting out of bed. "I won't get any sleep now. Maybe I should just go to work. And if I'm lucky, I can call it a day around noon."


*


Anderson's Farm
The Cottage
Brattleboro, Vermont
6:48 AM

Mac woke up slowly trying to get her bearings until she remembered where she was.
Something wasn’t quite right. She felt... like she was... being watched. Slowly turning around she came face to face with two big brown eyes. Before she could get a word out, she got a big wet sloppy kiss.

"Well good morning to you too, Toby. Did you sleep well?" Mac asked with a case of the giggles as the kisses continued and moved down her neck. "Stop that… it tickles." After a brief pause she asked. "So… what do you want to do first? Have breakfast or jog?” She took Toby's anxious gaze at the door along with his wagging tail as the answer for the latter. "Okay, I guess jogging it is. Give me five minutes and I'll be ready."

Toby and Mac first met while Martha was showing Mac the farm. It was love at first sight
for Mac the minute she looked into Toby's bright, shiny brown eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. He was simply adorable. The way he looked at her. Well, even a marine could get weak in the knees.

And Toby? Toby was totally hooked when it came to Mac. Everywhere she went, he was close behind. He was always watching her, never letting her out of his sight. He had become her protector.

When the moment for their goodbye came, he just wouldn't let her go without him. He trotted along behind her as she walked to the cottage. She kept telling him he had better turn around and go home, but it was to no avail. Toby was simply too pigheaded and infatuated with Mac and continued to follow her.

He won her over with one of his special looks. He threw her a wounded puppy look and she was a goner. When it was time for bed he once again was the winner of their silent game. One look and he didn't have to sleep on the couch; instead he was able to sleep right next to her on the bed.

Mac walked out of the bathroom, wearing a white tank top, a pair of marine green sprinter shorts and running shoes. "Okay, let's get going. Maybe we can find some bagels in town because I'm famished. Are you ready, Toby?" Mac asked while looking into his big brown eyes.

"Woof, woof," was the prompt response from the ecstatic Golden Retriever puppy.

"Then let's get going Mr. Toby," Mac told him as they left the cottage together.


*


Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station, DC
01:13 PM

Harm had just finished his lunch and was sitting on his couch reading the newspaper listening to soft music on the radio.

The admiral had given him permission to call it a day around noon, which Harm was very thankful for. But the truth was that sitting here wasn’t helping to soothe his current state of mind. It wasn’t that he felt tired or anything. No, he just missed Mattie. And Mac.

Right now there was nothing he wanted to do more than call her, just so he could hear her voice. But he knew that he couldn't reach her. He already tried five times today and always got the same message from her provider that she wasn’t reachable at the moment.

He couldn’t stare at the four walls any longer. He felt as though they were beginning to close in on him. There had to be something he could do.

But what?

'I need to feel free again,' Mac’s words from the previous day had suddenly come back to him in full force. "I need to feel free again." Harm repeated her words out loud and a happy grin replaced the frown on his face. Yup, he knew what he had to do.

"You know what, Mac? You were absolutely right. It is time to feel free again!" Harm shouted to the four walls and quickly got up from his couch.

He grabbed his leather jacket, keys, and helmet before walking out of his apartment straight to his garage. Inside there was something beautiful waiting for him… his newest acquisition… what he liked to call his baby. He had bought it about two weeks ago, shortly after getting rid of his old one since it was a reminder of his CIA past.

That was a dismal time in his life that he was not proud of, a time filled with remorse and despair. He sincerely hoped that some day he would be able to let it go, forget about it and put it all behind him.

As he continued walking, he couldn’t stop hoping that this time would come sooner rather than later.

He smiled when he opened the doors. His baby, his Harley Davidson, was sitting there in his garage, ready and waiting for him to take a little ride.

*

Anderson’s Farm
Brattleboro, Vermont
5:14 PM


Mac looked around her taking everything in. “Isn’t this place absolutely beautiful, Toby?” She asked her furry little friend getting a quick little ‘woof’ in reply.

The Golden Retriever puppy sat contentedly right in front of Mac while they both rode Scout, Chloe’s pinto horse. They traversed through the woods that opened up into the picturesque countryside of the Anderson Farm. Mac was awed at just how huge this property was and immediately understood why Chloe was so enchanted with it and loved being here.

When Martha had suggested taking Scout out for a ride, Mac was a little hesitant at first. Now she was extremely pleased with her decision to take the risk. Her back didn’t hurt at all, and she and Toby were enjoying their ride immensely. It was a beautiful warm day, there wasn’t a cloud in the dazzling blue sky, and the sun was shining brightly on the lush green fields.

It was Friday, and Mac had the rest of her day planned. Reading a current best seller while savoring the fresh country air and then taking a swim in the crystal clear lake held the highest priority. However, she knew that the most important thing on her agenda, and the reason for being there, was to find her way back; her way back to being Sarah MacKenzie.

‘To feel free again.’ She clearly remembered the words she had spoken to Harm. She was both stunned and worried when Harm told her that he understood only too well what she meant by that statement.

Was she really surprised about Harm knowing about such feelings? ‘No, I guess not really,’ Mac instantly answered her own question because she definitely knew that his time with the CIA was a formidable time in the life of Harmon Rabb Jr.

‘Damn Paraguay… damn Sadik… damn Clayton Webb… and most of all… damn you Sarah MacKenzie.’ These were the bitter thoughts saturating Mac’s psyche. Everything in her life had changed since that blasted mission with the CIA. The only thing she couldn’t pinpoint was exactly when she had lost Sarah MacKenzie.

Mac sighed, closing her eyes briefly and letting her thoughts drift back to that ill-fated time in her life.

‘Was it when she went to Harm’s apartment to tell him she was going away for a while and he looked longingly into her eyes and begged her not to go? Was it when she sat helplessly listening to Clay’s torturous screams of pain at the hands of Sadik? Was it when she was being strapped to the table facing death knowing she would never get to express to Harm the feelings concealed deep in her heart? Was it after Harm had rescued her only to tell her that he had gotten married while she was gone? Was it when he told her he had to resign from the Navy in order to find her? Was it when she stood confused and disoriented on the curb in front of the hotel and told him that it would never work out between them? Was it when she stood unwaveringly pointing the gun at an already disabled Sadik and with no remorse pulled the trigger? Or was it a combination of all these dreadful events that ultimately chipped away at the once strong spirit of the stalwart marine known as Sarah MacKenzie?

She hoped the solemnity and peacefulness here would enable her to find the answer, because she missed being Sarah. She felt like she was being maneuvered and left dangling from a string much like a marionette; a player in a cruel game and whenever she tried to stop playing, the game became more intense.

Mac groaned in frustration and willed herself to take charge of all the errant notions running through her head.

“Who is controlling the marionette in this game?” Mac muttered out loud. “I guess it’s my challenge to find out,” she continued getting another ‘woof’ in reply from her steadfast new friend.

“I’m right, aren’t I, Toby? This is indeed my challenge,” Mac stated, composing herself before giving Toby an affectionate little kiss on top of his head. “Come; let’s enjoy the ride a little bit longer before we head back home. Martha’s cooking dinner for us tonight. And after dinner, I think we should call Harm, so he knows everything is okay.”

She got another “Woof, Woof,” in reply. It appeared that Toby was trying to convey to Mac that she was on the right path.

Mac chuckled and shook her head. “God I love this little guy.”


*


On the Interstate 295 North
7:05 PM

Harm relished the feel of the warm breeze swirling around him as he drove down the open road. He had been driving his Harley for hours now and it felt good to feel so free.

His actual plan was to go flying with ‘Sarah’ but somehow he ended up going in a totally different direction, and it wasn’t too long before it became pretty clear to him where he was actually heading. It had hit him suddenly when he stopped at a gas station to take a coffee break. He opened his wallet and there was her note safely tucked inside.

The instant his eyes detected that tiny piece of paper and it touched his hand, he reverently allowed his fingers to trace over her delicate handwriting. It was then that he got an overwhelming need to go to her. His only concern was would he be welcomed? He didn’t want to invade her privacy knowing how much she needed her space.

His only trepidation was the fact that he was on his Harley and he was looking at a seven plus hour drive. However, it was impossible to turn around and head for home. There was a more powerful force driving him, and its intensity was leading him straight to her.

As soon as he acclimated himself to his situation, he rationalized that the long ride could be handled by taking several little breaks along the way. He was already running on adrenaline so for the moment he wasn’t feeling at all tired, just anxious.


*


Anderson’s Farm
The Main House
Brattleboro, Vermont
8:14 PM

“Thank you, Martha. Dinner was wonderful,” Mac stated and gave the elderly woman a little smile.

They were sitting in the living room. Martha had taken a place on the sofa, while Mac was sharing the rocking chair with Toby, who was asleep in her lap. She was petting his right ear keeping a steady rhythm.

“Could you reach your friend, Sarah?” Martha wanted to know.

“No. I could only reach his answering machine at home and his voicemail. I guess he’s out with Mattie. Friday night is usually their movie night,” Mac answered sadly.

Mac was a bit confused since she knew that Harm and Mattie went to see the movie ‘Shrek 2’ the night before. Would they actually go to another movie? She and Mattie had talked about movies a few nights ago, but the third ‘Harry Potter’ didn’t open until next weekend. Her thoughts continued to reel until Martha interrupted them.

“You miss him, don’t you?” Martha softly asked after watching the young woman for a little while.

“Yeah, I do. I’d hoped to get the chance to talk with him tonight,” Mac said with a sigh while looking down at her friend Toby. “I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’ll try again tomorrow,” Mac continued quietly.

Martha’s eyes followed Mac’s gaze. “He loves you, Sarah.”

“What?” Mac gasped wide eyed and a little shocked as she looked up and into the eyes of Chloe’s grandmother.

“I mean Toby. I don’t think he will ever let you out of his sight again. Since you’ve been here the little guy has never left your side, has he?”

Mac shook her head. “No, he hasn’t,” she answered with a laugh. “He even protects me while I’m using the bathroom by standing guard in front of the door. Toby is really lovable and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to leave him behind.”

“Well, do you have to leave him behind? I mean, sooner or later we’ll have to give him and his sisters and brothers away. We can’t keep them all. You are more than welcome to take him back to Washington with you.”

Mac thought a few seconds about Martha’s offer before she smiled gaily. “You know what, Martha? I think I love the idea,” Mac softly told Martha, looking down again at the dog. “I think he would like it in Washington.”

They didn’t speak for a few minutes until Martha broke the solemn silence between them. “Mac? Would you like to have more tea?”

“Yes, please.”

When Martha returned to the living room two full cups of tea in hand, she found Mac deep in thought. It wasn’t the first time Martha caught Sarah so preoccupied. Obviously, something was bothering her, and she couldn’t help but wonder if a certain naval commander wasn’t at the root of her unrest.

“Sarah?” Martha spoke quietly so as not to startle her but failed.

“What?” Mac jerked slightly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Here’s your tea,” Martha said while giving the cup of tea to Mac.

“No, I’m sorry. I guess I was deep in thought.”

“Yeah, I could see that. It’s something that’s been happening a lot ever since you’ve been here. Is everything okay?”

“No, not really,” Mac quietly answered, more to herself than to Chloe’s grandmother. “But being here has helped me see a few things more clearly. I’m beginning to think that there is a way to resolve some of my issues and get my life under control again. I have to face the truth, and the more I think about it, the more I know what I have to do,” Mac replied softly, as she continued to ponder what she should do next.

‘I think I know how to find Sarah again. And I think I know how to feel free again,’ were the thoughts running through Mac’s mind.

It had hit her so unexpectedly like a bolt of lightning. How had she not seen it sooner? The missing link had suddenly become so obvious… it was one Harmon Rabb, Jr. He was the only one who could make her feel whole again; but in order to let him in, she would have to let down the barricade that she had so carefully built around her heart.

Could she do it? Could she relinquish the barriers and bare herself to him again? She would become susceptible and endanger herself to all the pain she worked so hard to avoid and it scared her silly.

As a marine she always felt capable of conquering all obstacles in her midst; but as a woman, she always doubted her self-worth and self-confidence. She knew now more than ever that if she were ever going to regain control over her life and feel free again, she would have to let go.

Though it would be difficult to let down the facade that had been in place for what seemed to be a lifetime, she knew she had to because Harm was the only one who had the ability to complete her; he WAS the other half of Sarah MacKenzie.

She only hoped that it wasn’t too late for them to get it right.

For the rest of the evening they spoke mainly about Chloe while Toby slept peacefully in Mac’s lap. It was getting dark now and with a fifteen minute walk back to the cottage, Mac decided to wake Toby and start back.

“Thanks, Martha. For everything,” Mac said while giving her a warm hug.

“You’re more than welcome, Sarah. Good night.”

“Good night,” Mac replied and then looked down at her little friend. “Come on Toby, let’s go home. I’d like to take a late night swim in the lake. It’s still warm enough to enjoy a few minutes in the water, don’t you think?” Mac told him as they made their way back to the cottage.

She was feeling much better having come to terms with her inner turmoil, and it was evident by the slight spring in her step as they headed back.


*


Anderson’s Farm
The Main House
Brattleboro, Vermont
11:09 PM

Martha was on her way back into the house after she had checked everything outside, when she heard the sound of a motorcycle getting nearer and nearer. A few seconds later she was greeted by a glaring light before a motorcycle came to a stop in front of her and was turned off.

“Mrs. Anderson?” A man asked her before he took off his helmet.

“Yes, I’m Mrs. Anderson. And you are?” She asked curiously.

“My name is Harmon Rabb Jr. I’m a friend of...”

“Sarah’s,” Martha concluded his statement.

“Yes, Ma’am, that’s correct. I’m sorry, I know it is already pretty late, but I really would like to see her.”

Martha let her gaze wander and looked past Harm. “Well, I’m not quite sure if she’s still awake, but you should try it anyway. Just follow this path and then the one along the lake. It’s about a fifteen minutes walk. Sorry, but with the motorcycle you wouldn’t make it very far.”

“That’s not a problem, Ma’am. I’ve been sitting long enough. I really do need a break right about now.” Harm answered her, displaying his trademark flyboy grin. “Thank you for your help, Mrs. Anderson.”

“Martha. Please call me Martha, and you are very welcome. Good night, Commander.”

“Good night, Martha,” Harm softly said and then he made his way to the cottage. ‘I hope she’s still awake and hopefully not too angry with me for coming here,’ Harm thought shrugging. “Well, at least it’s not raining and it’s still pretty warm. I should be able to survive if I have to sleep outside her door,” he told himself grinning.

Harm enjoyed the walk. From what he could see by the moon’s illumination, the area appeared to be beautiful, and it reminded him a lot of his grandmother’s farm. He was anxious to have the chance to explore the vast landscape surrounding him even more in the bright daylight.

After twelve minutes of walking, a little cottage came into view. ‘Hmm, no lights are on. Maybe she’s already asleep,’ Harm thought. That’s when he caught sight of something that stopped him dead in his tracks.

Well, it wasn’t something; it was someone.

‘Oh… my… Breathe, Rabb… You have to breathe… God she is beautiful,’ were Harm’s first thoughts when he caught sight of her in the middle of the lake. Her back was turned to him and the moon was reflecting off the water and casting its glow on to her gorgeous wet curves, making them shimmer. Even though Harm couldn’t see too much, it was obvious to him that she wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Sarah MacKenzie was a few feet away from him and she was as naked as the day she was born.

She looked so vulnerable, and he couldn’t help but think how she’d definitely threaten to kick his six if she knew what he was thinking right now.

*

Anderson's Farm
The Cottage
Brattleboro, Vermont
11:23 PM

'Okay, what am I going to do now?' It was like Harm’s brain had disengaged from his body and neither would cooperate. He was taken so off guard that all he could do was stand there in the shadow of the fir tree shrouded by darkness and stare at her. His heart was beating so erratically it was as though he was running for his life.

Funny how wanting to run for his life had become a familiar emotion for him to feel when it came to Mac, but not this time. His pulse was racing, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do; it had nothing to do with running.

'Woof woof'

'Woof woof'

The incessant barking pierced the silence and brought Harm out of his reverie. Looking down he saw two rather angry looking brown eyes staring back into his own. The Golden Retriever puppy was still barking, growling wildly, and baring his teeth in an attempt to look and sound ferocious.

'Gggrrrr… Woof woof… Gggrrrr… Gggrrrr… Woof woof…'

Harm instinctively took a little step backwards attempting to calm the dog when he suddenly heard a splash coming from the lake.

‘Gggrrrr… Woof woof…’

Harm no longer cared about the angry puppy in front of him. He quickly looked in her direction to see that she had turned around and submerged herself enough so the only part still visible was her face.

'Woof woof'

"Hello? Who's there?" Mac asked sternly, having been alerted by Toby’s growls and yelps.

"Mac, it's me," Harm quickly replied. Thanks to the bright moonlight he could see that as soon as he’d answered her, Mac's first reaction was to take a step further back to get into even deeper water.

"Harm?" Mac asked surprised. "What are you doing here?"

'Woof woof… Gggrrrr… Gggrrrr…'

"Toby, stop!” Mac commanded and Toby got quiet immediately.

Harm didn't answer her. Instead he emerged from the dark, stepping closer to the lake’s shore.

"Harm?" Mac called out, and as she saw him coming closer, she continued her retreat going further back.

He was momentarily speechless. His mouth was completely dry, his palms were sweaty and he had to keep telling himself to breath. She was absolutely captivating; and as the thoughts that were rambling around in his brain finally became coherent, they tumbled from his lips.

"I forgot how beautiful you are," Harm whispered, yet loud enough for her to hear.

"What?" Mac asked completely surprised by his candor and watched him carefully to be sure that nothing had finally snapped in him.

Her thoughts were transported back to the last time he spoke those exact words to her. She felt a slight tingling sensation when she realized that the circumstances were quite similar. She had been up to her neck in water then also.

"I'm coming in," Harm stated and spontaneously started removing and dropping his leather jacket while attacking the buttons on his shirt.

"No, you are not!" Mac answered emphatically. “Harm!”

He either didn’t hear her or didn’t care because after his shirt and undershirt were off, he started to untie his shoes.

This was an eager sailor on a mission, and his objective was to join her under the stars in the serenity of the lake.

"Haaarmmm!" Mac tried a little more forcefully to get his attention. "What the heck do you think you’re doing?"

"Getting undressed!" Harm answered without wavering, continuing to shed his clothes. His socks were now gone and his jeans were well on there way off as well.

'Okay, turn around, Marine. You have to turn around,' Mac ordered herself over and over again, but her body was unable to do what her brain instructed, because she couldn’t stop staring at his gorgeously toned muscular body which was clearly visible in the moonlight.

Now clad in only his boxer briefs, her partner, best friend, and the man of her dreams stood at the edge of the lake and for a second he looked unsure of what his next move should be, but that uncertainty was short-lived as a smirk suddenly appeared on his face.

"Haaaarm… if I were you I wouldn't...," Mac yelped trying to tell him that he shouldn't jump into the water but at once lost track of her thoughts as she watched open-mouthed as he removed the last piece of clothing from his body, his boxer briefs. Then, without thinking twice, he jumped into the water splashing loudly.

"...do that," Mac ended her statement in disbelief. 'Oh… my… God… Harm just stripped in front of me!

She was completely awe-struck by what she had just witnessed. He was so close, and what he was about to do had Mac gasping for air and trembling in anticipation.

She couldn’t help feeling optimistic that his being there meant that maybe, just maybe this time they would finally both be on the same page at the same time.

A few seconds later, she heard another loud splash. This time it came from directly behind her; she turned around quickly to see a very shocked Harm staring back at her.

"Jesus, Mac! This water is freezing cold!" He stuttered as his teeth chattered and his eyes opened wide, totally dumb-founded that he was actually in water this cold voluntarily.

Mac chuckled and shook her head. "Gee, Harm. It's May and the sun has been down for hours. What did you think the water would be like? Were you thinking that the lake was heated by some underground heating system?" Mac jokingly asked him, amused by his puzzled look. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

“Yeah, I’ve been told that once or twice.” Harm smirked.

She continued to stare at him and unable to hold herself back anymore, Mac burst out laughing.

"Are you cold, Harm?" Mac tried to ask between her laughter.

"Nnnnooo, not at all," Harm said trying to sound confident but failing miserably.

"Are you sure? If you ask me, from where I stand, your lips are looking quite blue right about now. Or are you wearing lipstick tonight?" Mac asked sweetly. “Nice choice of color, Navy.”

"Ha ha, very funny, Marine,” Harm replied attempting to give her one of his flyboy-grins, which quickly turned into a frown. “Aren't you feeling cold at all?"

"No, can’t say that I am," Mac answered assuredly. "Harm, I'm from Arizona where it's really hot all day, and at night the temperature drops to near freezing. I did a lot of night swimming there so I am very used to it.”

Harm raised his right eyebrow. "Even skinny dipping?" He asked curiously as his teeth still chattered, hoping that his body would become accustomed to the current conditions.

"Yes, Harm, even skinny dipping," Mac answered matter of factly and continued to watch him carefully.

"Harm, you're freezing," Mac stated fretfully.

She couldn’t help remembering the time he punched out of an F14 into the frigid Atlantic Ocean on the night before she was to marry Mic Brumby. He had been tossed around the turbulent water for hours before being rescued. She had almost lost him that night, and that frightening mishap on the eve of her wedding to the wrong man had awakened her true feelings and totally changed the course of her life.

She started to move closer to him, but stopped suddenly, feeling a little hesitant at the fact that they were both totally naked. She was also very aware of the fact they were on a sandbank in the middle of the lake. The water was only up to their neck because they were kneeling on the soft underground.

"Actually, it's getting much warmer from where I am,” Harm breathlessly told her. He didn't miss Mac's hesitation to get closer to him as she was already near enough for him to take in all her beauty. All he had to do was let his eyes wander down to gaze at the water and the reflection from the moon’s illumination would have revealed all to him. It would be so easy, but the gentleman in him wouldn’t let him.

"It is, isn't it? Maybe a little bit too much?" Mac asked in a whisper and looked deeply into his blue eyes hoping to find in them what she was longing for.

Though he was filled with the desire to surrender his feelings and bury himself in her, he didn’t want to take too much for granted or move too fast because he knew she could still go into marine mode, kick his six, and send him home. He wanted her to be truly ready, to set the pace, to be comfortable with him, and to want more than friendship. He wanted them to take the next step to an intimate relationship and become the ‘us’ that they once thought could never be.

"No, it never could be too much," Harm said hopefully, never breaking their gaze.

Having already admitted to himself that he wanted and needed Sarah Mackenzie as much as he needed air to breath, maybe even more if that was possible; he was more than ready to let go of all his own doubts and insecurities and take the next step.

"Never?" Mac whispered as she took one little step forward without hesitating this time.

"No. Never, Sarah!"

'Never' was a powerful word that still haunted them from a time past.

They had let a word, one simple word, uttered in haste and confusion under traumatic conditions a long way from home control the direction of their lives long enough. Now was the time to change all that ‘let go’ and ‘feel free’ just as they had already done countless times in the solace of their separate dreams.

Her heartbeat quickened, and she could hear the pounding in her ears. Could ‘never’ be taking on a whole new meaning? Did it no longer mean not ever? Could it now mean never part as in eternity?

The air was becoming saturated with an intensity of heat and hope.

It was all Mac needed to hear from him. She knew it was his way of repeating his proposition from an ill-fated time when he spoke the words ‘come to me.’

And that’s what she did. Mac inched closer to him and stood, bringing the water level to just below her breasts. This was something she had secretly hoped to do for years, and by going to him now she was taking the final step towards her destiny.

Mac licked her lips, took his face in her palms and bent down a little to kiss him, her partner, her best friend, but most of all the man of her dreams with all the love and passion she had in her.

Harm closed his eyes and responded eagerly. His prayers had been answered… she was ready. He was still kneeling in the water and not ready to move anything other than his lips. Finally, he was kissing his Sarah. Up until this moment kissing her sweet lips so freely was all done in the fantasy of his dreams. Although he couldn’t forget the kiss they shared on the Admiral’s porch. It was filled with a passion so strong that, given the circumstances, it both stunned and scared them.

When he did move, his hands immediately went to her damp back letting his fingertips draw circles and form a trail up and down her slender body. He instantly heard a muffled sigh but wasn’t sure if it came from Sarah, him, or both of them.

The need for air finally broke their kiss; their breathing now heavy and erratic.

"Hi," Mac whispered breaking the silence between them smiling seductively.

“Hi…You are so beautiful, Sarah," Harm tenderly told her before he started to kiss the valley between her breasts as his hands moved forward to lightly touch their outside curves. "So beautiful.”

Mac closed her eyes to savor the feeling of his soft lips on her smooth skin before she stepped back and out of his reach. She opened her eyes and held out her hand to him.

"Please?" she muttered the word but Harm got the message loud and clear.

This time there would be nothing to interrupt them; duty would not call, there would be no ringing telephones, no one knocking on the door, no bombs dropping, no blonde bimbos, and no CIA spooks.

Without breaking their gaze Harm stood and in one fluent motion took her into his strong arms; dragging and crushing her against his solid body kissing her with a hunger and burning desire unlike anything he had ever felt before.

Mac's hands slowly slid up his back feeling the wild dance of his back muscles beneath her smooth fingertips. As her arms came up behind his neck and into his hair, her fingers linked to pull him closer to her, deepening the kiss and taking it to an even more passionate level. When they had to break their kiss again, Harm started to tenderly kiss Mac's cheeks, eyes, and nose before starting to place tiny wet kisses down her neck and behind her ear.

That’s when he heard it. The sweetest words he would ever hear from her, whispered quietly into his ear. "Please make love with me, Harm."

"Yes. Oh God, yes, Sarah."

Making love with Mac, this wondrous act was what he had always wanted to do with her. His dreams were about to come true. Placing another soft and sweet kiss to her swollen lips he murmured, "Let’s get out of here."

“Race you, first one to reach the shore gets to be on top,” Mac stated deviously with a glimmer in her eyes, and without waiting for an answer from him, she dipped into the water anxiously trying to get away from Harm.

However, before she had the chance to reach dry land Harm had his strong arms wrapped around her and was holding her again. He pressed her wet body to his chest as they stood on the shore and his desire for her was becoming even more evident as he rubbed himself longingly against her back.

"I guess the water wasn't as cold as I thought," Mac gasped and in turn rubbed herself against him.

"That's what you do to me, Sarah," Harm groaned. "I didn't know wanting to be on top was important enough to make you cheat. You are just full of surprises, MacKenzie," Harm whispered huskily.

"Actually… I would much prefer to take turns," Mac whimpered lightly distracted by Harm's hot kisses on her neck and shoulder. “And I wouldn’t really call it cheating.” She took his hands from her belly and slowly moved them up to cup her breasts.

"We should go in," Harm uttered without ever taking his lips off of her.

Mac slowly turned in his arms and pressed her body tightly against his. Her lips met his again, and she ran her tongue along his bottom lip begging for entrance, which he instantly granted. Her hands explored his body while their tongues tangled passionately until air became necessary. She reluctantly pulled away and stared into the depth of his eyes.

Harm's arms went around her picking her up. His hands gently cupped her buttocks while Mac wrapped her legs around him, giving her the opportunity to grind herself against his desire, getting a deep groan from Harm in response. Placing another kiss on her sensuous lips he murmured, "You better stop that or I'll take you right here right now."

"Promises, promises," was Mac's only reply.

She was definitely enjoying the effect she had on him.

Silently they made their way to the cottage still exchanging hot, steamy kisses along the way. Mac glanced over Harm's shoulder to make sure Toby was okay. She smiled when she saw that the little guy had fallen asleep on Harm's shed clothing.

They were barely inside the door when Harm turned around and pushed Mac against it, slamming it shut with a loud thud. He was placing hard and needy kisses to Mac’s aroused body while she continued to grind her hips into his growing desire for her.

Breaking the kiss, Harm looked deeply into her eyes. "I want you, Sarah. I need you so much," he told her with a husky voice.

"You have me!" Mac whispered and kissed him all over his face. “I want you too.”

Turning again, Harm carried her to the bed in the middle of the room. He gently placed her down on it, and as she laid there the only thing he could do was stare at her adoringly. "God, you are gorgeous." He looked at her with such intensity; it was as if he was asking for her permission to love her.

Mac leaned back on her elbow and crooked a finger at him. With a sexy smile on her face she gave him permission. "C'mere, Sailor," she whispered before her lips captured his and their bodies became one.

Their lovemaking was slow and gentle. They had never had an experience like that before. It was the first time that either of them had truly and totally made love to someone. They took turns being on top, before they fell into an exhausted sleep in each other's arms.

The walls that they had both constructed to shield their once stoic hearts had finally been dismantled and ultimately allowed to shatter.

*

May 29, 2004
Anderson's Farm
The Cottage
Brattleboro, Vermont
06:57 AM


Mac slowly opened her eyes afraid that she had been dreaming again. She was delighted when she discovered she wasn’t as she could feel Harm’s warmth surrounding her. She was so content at that moment; she couldn’t help but smile. He was spooned against her from behind, and his arms were safely wrapped around her waist while his legs were entangled with hers. She enjoyed the feel of his hot breath tickling her neck.

‘This feels like heaven,’ Mac thought and relaxed closing her eyes. She not only felt sated both inside and out; she felt loved. Most of all, for the first time in a long time, she felt free again.

"Oh my god," Mac whispered opening her eyes wide. She was amazed at how right it felt to be in Harm’s loving arms. ‘This is it. I was right all along. He really IS all I need to mend my tormented heart and make me feel whole again. How could I have let my own stubbornness blind me to the fact that his love has been right in front of me all along?’

Their lives had always been intricately woven together from the day they met in the rose garden, but she had always let her self-doubts and insecurities cloud her vision. Not any more, because she was now certain that the essential piece of the puzzle that had been missing to complete Sarah MacKenzie, was this wonderful man lying lovingly beside her.

Any reservations she harbored were instantly forgotten the moment he had touched her. It wasn’t just the incredible physical joining of their bodies. It was the way their hearts swelled and united as they consummated their love while their souls magically touched and intertwined to become one.

As she lay there encircled by him, there were no words to describe the euphoria filling her heart or the peace that enveloped her soul. It was a feeling beyond anything she could have ever imagined, even in her wildest dreams. Their bonding was totally mystical.

Mac had spent her whole adult life searching for something, and that something was Harm. She was now ready to embrace her destiny.

A small whimper from outside the front door brought Mac out of her deep thoughts. She slowly and carefully untangled herself from Harm's embrace trying her hardest not to wake him in the process and gave him a light kiss on his forehead. Then she stood up from the bed and put her robe on before making her way over to the door and opened it quietly.

Mac quickly walked outside the door so that a very excited and wide awake Toby wouldn’t wake up Harm.

Mac smiled and got down on her knees to rub his ears, getting wet licks all over her face and a few happy yelps in response.

"Hi, sweetie. You're hungry, aren't you?" Mac softly asked her little friend who continued yelping. "Yeah, I know. Come on. Let's get Harm’s clothes into the cottage and then I'll get dressed." She got up from her knees and made her way to the lake with her new friend in tow.

"How about getting some breakfast from town?" Mac asked Toby while she picked up Harm's clothes from the ground.

"Woof."

"Yeah, I knew you would like that idea," Mac responded and started to laugh when her stomach gave her its own approval with a loud and unmistakable growl.


*


Anderson's Farm
The Cottage
Brattleboro, Vermont
03:21 PM


Waking up slowing, on his left side, the first thing Harm encountered was two brown eyes staring curiously back at him.

"Woof."

"Oh, it's nice to meet you, too. Now where's your mommy?" Harm asked still groggy from sleep while he fondled Toby’s left ear getting a few thank you licks to his wrist in response.

"Mommy's over here. Well hello, sleepyhead. Welcome to the world of the living," Mac greeted him softly from behind before she sat down on the edge of the bed to give him a little kiss on his lips.

But Harm had something else in mind. He quickly slipped his hands into her hair as he angled his mouth to deepen their kiss. Mac leaned in and ran her tongue along his lips, and he instantly parted them with a little moan.

“Woof.”

Their tongues dueled seeking more. Mac started to moan when Harm placed tiny butterfly kisses along her neck, throat, and every part of her shoulder he could reach without her shirt getting in the way. Mac couldn't suppress a shiver when his arms moved underneath her shirt and his fingertips touched the bare skin of her back.

“Woof woof.”

Harm pulled his hands from under her shirt to the front and started to unbutton it kissing every inch of skin he exposed with wet open-mouth-kisses.

"Harm...," Mac huskily said.

"Hmmm," Harm groaned before his mouth was back on hers.

“Woof, woof.”

"We have to stop," Mac tried to tell him with a whisper.

"Okay," was all she got as an answer from Harm as his hands made their way to her breasts and traced the outline of her skimpy white lace bra.

"I mean it...."

"Why?" Harm asked breathily as he tried to get the front clasp of her bra open.

"Well… for one thing… Toby is watching us," Mac told him and pointed her finger to the now slightly annoyed puppy right next to them.

Another "woof" ensued as if the Golden Retriever puppy were saying ‘Damn right I am, and I don’t like being ignored.’

"You're right," Harm softly said before giving her a gentle kiss on her nose. "Good morning, Sarah."

Mac couldn't hold back the giggle.

"Try again, Sailor. It's already late afternoon. Don't tell me this itty bitty marine has worn out the big bad sailor?" Mac asked with a smirk while placing a sweet kiss on his lips.

"Only in your dreams, Colonel," Harm answered flashing one of his best flyboy grins.

"One day I'll tell you what I'm really dreaming about, Commander," Mac told him huskily. “But for now it's time to get out of bed, Flyboy. Are you up for a little adventure? Or are you too tired and want to rest a little bit more?" Mac asked gently with a worried tone to her voice.

She had promised herself to get behind what was bothering Harm. Mac didn't miss the fact that he had come to Vermont without having brought a change of clothes or any toiletries with him.

She had been very surprised this morning on her way to town, when she caught sight of his motorcycle in the driveway. Mac couldn't believe he actually came such a long way to her with his bike. 'No wonder he's so tired,' Mac had thought. Somehow though, she still couldn't get the nagging feeling out of her system that there was much more behind his sudden burst of spontaneity.

"What did you have on your mind?" Harm asked softly while caressing her left arm gently with his thumb.

"I had planned to go camping tonight. I wanted to ride Scout to a very beautiful place I found yesterday. I would like to take you with me, Harm," Mac told him tenderly never losing his gaze. "I bought some marshmallows and juice this morning and Martha even made a few sandwiches for us. Or do you have to go back already?" Mac asked, afraid of losing their newly found ‘us’ already.

Giving her one of the sweetest kisses she had ever received, Harm made her fears dissolve in a heartbeat.

"No, I don't have to go back. Not until tomorrow that is," Harm assured her. "And I would very much like to spend the whole weekend with you, Sarah. If you will have me."

With the most beautiful smile he had ever seen she gave him the only answer he needed to hear. "Always! Why don't you take a shower, while I pack the backpack?"

"Good idea," Harm told her before he got out of bed, not feeling the least bit uncomfortable to walk naked in front of her. Before he reached the door of the bathroom he muttered a 'damn' loud enough for her to hear.

"What's wrong?" Mac wanted to know, worried that something had already gotten in their way.

"Nothing. I just remembered that I forgot my clothes at the lake last night. And I don't have a change of clothes with me," Harm told her without turning around, feeling a little embarrassed.

Harm didn't know Mac was standing so close behind him until he felt her hand on his back followed by a kiss between his shoulder blades.

“Don’t worry, Harm. I know you didn’t bring anything with you when I saw your bike parked outside this morning. Besides, Toby had made a bed for himself out of the clothes you wore yesterday, so while you were enjoying your beauty sleep, I brought them into town and had them washed. You’ll find them in the bathroom. I also got you some shower gel, shampoo, a razor, shaving cream and a toothbrush. Now go shower Harm,” Mac told him, but didn’t let him go until she moved her hand from his muscular back to the hairs on his chest and then southward to give him a little squeeze.

“Thank you,” Harm croaked still recovering from her intimate touch and nipped her lips lightly.

"Go, Harm!"

"Yes, Ma'am.”


*


Anderson's Farm
The Main House
Brattleboro, Vermont
03:53 PM

"Hello, Mrs. Anderson," Harm greeted Chloe's grandmother, who came out of the house before they were able to knock.

"Please call me Martha, Commander."

"And you can call me Harm, Martha," Harm answered with a sweet smile.

"Here, Sarah. I think I've made enough sandwiches for the both of you and here is the sleeping bag I told you about."

"Thank you, Martha," Mac said before giving the older lady a hug.

"You know where to find Scout. I hope you both have a great time up there," Martha told them before she turned around to walk back into the house.

Mac and Harm walked hand in hand followed by Toby to the stall where Scout was waiting for them.

"Umm, Mac?" Harm suddenly stopped and Mac turned around to look at him.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Harm asked her with a worried tone in his voice.

"What do you mean, Harm?" Mac asked, afraid that he changed his mind about their plans.

"I mean going riding and camping. Won't it hurt your back? Sleeping on the hard ground may not be the best idea," Harm told her demonstrating just how much he cared and worried about her.

He wished he could just wrap his arms around Mac and protect her from anything that could hurt her. But most of all, he did not want her to endure any pain because of him either directly or indirectly.

"Don't worry so much, Harm. I promise everything will be okay. I rode yesterday and didn't experience any back pain during the ride or afterwards. And do I have to remind you about last night? Did I give you any reason to think that my back is bothering me in any way?" Mac asked him with a husky voice. Just thinking about their night together was making her shiver.

"No. Not at all," Harm answered her with an even rougher voice and dragged her to him to give her a passionate kiss.

He knew at that moment, for as long as he lived, no matter what happened between them, he would always worry about her just as he always had in the past.

"Then let's go," Mac said before they entered the barn together to get Scout.

*

May 29, 2004
Anderson's Farm
Brattleboro, Vermont
5:27 PM


They both enjoyed the pleasantly peaceful ride to Mac’s special place. No words between them were necessary as they were totally engrossed in the beautiful countryside surrounding them and in each other. Mac sat in front of Harm, holding the napping Toby close to her.

Harm had strapped the small backpack with the sleeping bag attached on his shoulder and his strong muscular arms were protectively encircling her slender waist. Harm would occasionally give her a little kiss on the nape of her neck or on the side of her cheek near her ear. Mac surprised him a few times by turning around just in time for their lips to meet sweetly. Being at ease with each other to touch and explore was exhilarating, and they grinned like giddy lovesick teenagers.

This recently acquired freedom with each other was a new experience and it felt so good.
They didn’t want to stop, hoping to make up for all the time they had lost by denying their true feelings.

A forty to fifty minute ride took them an hour and a half due to several detours by Mac. She was feeling so good nestled against Harm’s solid body that she wanted to take her time getting to the place that she knew they would both savor immensely. She was also sure that Harm would never notice her minor deviations.

But she was wrong. Being a pilot gave him a great sense of direction. He HAD noticed, but didn't mind at all. He had figured it out when they passed the same tree for the third time. It was hard to miss. The tree had a carved heart around the initials C and G on the trunk. 'I guess Chloe knows this place as well,' Harm thought, assuming that the ‘C’ stood for Mac’s little sister’s first name, and smiled. No, he didn't mind at all. Actually, he was feeling quite content himself. There wasn't anything better than holding Sarah MacKenzie in his arms.

'Come to think of it, there is something even better than just holding her in my arms,' Harm thought remembering their passionate activities of the previous night and immediately intensified his hold on her, wanting to get lost in the moment and in the feeling of her soft body pressed so tightly against him. Right now Harm was glad Mac couldn't see him, or she would have definitely had something to say after witnessing the goofy grin he knew was plastered all over his face.

When they finally reached their destination, Harm was speechless. It took him a moment before he found his voice again and a simple "wow" was his only comment.

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Mac asked warmly.

"No. It’s… breathtaking," Harm whispered in amazement.

"I know. I actually found this clearing by accident. I think the sound of the waterfall over there brought me here. I nearly missed it," Mac quietly told Harm. “It’s so peaceful up here.”

”It’s like our own little piece of paradise,” was his heady reply.

Harm was overwhelmed at the incredible scene laid out before him. He was gazing at a crystal clear pond which housed a massive waterfall that flowed majestically down the side of the mountain.

"I intended to spend the night here last night, thankfully I didn't take the sleeping bag with me. Otherwise we would have missed each other," Mac quietly continued. "I spent a few hours here just thinking. The silence reminded me of our time in Afghanistan. Well, without the bombs of course," she added almost to herself.

They were still sitting motionless on Scout until Toby started to stir. Harm was the first to dismount before helping first Toby and then Mac down. Before Harm let go of her, he thoughtfully kissed her soft lips. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Sarah."

Her knees immediately went weak and her heart rate quickened at the sound of her given name coming from his lips. She wanted to ravish him right there on the spot, but knowing there were still things to do before bedding down for the night, she composed herself quickly. She would have to wait until later.

"Thank you for letting me share this with you, Harm," Mac delightfully answered before she gave him another light kiss. "We should start the fire, it's getting chilly."

"Good idea. Let me find some wood for the fire while you find a place for Scout," Harm offered.

"Let's do it."


*


It didn't take much for Harm to get a fire started, which was now ablaze fueled by the delicate breeze.

After Mac had found the perfect place for Scout, she started to prepare their roost for the night. It was their last night together before Harm had to return to Washington. It made her sad to think about it, so she did everything in her power to ignore the fact that their parting was imminent. The here and now was the only important thing to her. They were together and that’s all that mattered.

She watched him carefully while he sat pensively in front of the fire. 'He looks so sad,' Mac thought and unconsciously started to nibble on her lower lip. That was when she saw the single tear slip from his eye and run down his cheek. She slowly stood up and made her way to him. After settling down behind him, Mac took him in her loving arms.

"What’s wrong, Harm?" Mac asked wistfully and kissed away the tear on his cheek.

He had finally stripped himself of the armor that shielded his emotions, and allowing her to see him in such a weak and vulnerable state broke her heart. She prayed that this simple act of taking him in her arms would transfer her positive energy, mend the gap in his heart, and remove all his pain because she couldn’t bear to see him suffer.

"It’s nothing, Mac. Don't worry, okay?" Harm asked her and once again tried to change the subject. But Mac wouldn't let him evade her this time. She had promised herself that she would get to the root of what was troubling him.

"It's already too late for me to not worry, Harm. I know something is bothering you, and I think it's time for us to share everything," Mac coaxed. "Please, don't shut me out anymore."

They had always been so good at dodging each other, putting up walls and pretending that nothing was wrong, but it had to stop here.

She gave him another kiss, placing this one on his neck. "What drove you up here in the first place? You didn't originally plan to be here with me, I know that."

"No, you’re right. It wasn't planned. It just happened. At first I didn't even know that I was on my way to you. But why are you so sure I didn't plan to surprise you?"

"Harm, you don't have a change of clothes with you and no toiletries either. You also are here with your motorcycle. I don't think you would have chosen your bike for the drive up here.”

“Very good detective work, Sherlock,” Harm softly said in a joking manner.

“Why thank you, Mr. Watson,” Mac quickly responded and intensified her embrace, giving them both a moment to regroup. “Where were you going before you ended up here, Harm?”

"Sarah. I planned to go flying with Sarah." Harm sighed closing his eyes and rubbing them with his hands. "I had a rough night Thursday and didn't get any sleep at all. The Admiral gave me permission to take a half-day on Friday. Well, while I was sitting at home I remembered your words and they made me take action."

"So that's why you slept so long today. And here I thought it was because I wore you out," Mac kidded before she got serious again, wanting to get back to what was troubling him. "What words?" She whispered.

"You told me that you wanted 'to feel free again'. Those words motivated me to go," Harm gently answered her.

"Will you tell me why you didn't get any sleep that night? What was bothering you so much that you couldn't sleep?" Mac asked worriedly.

"Mattie."

"Mattie? She’s alright, isn’t she?” Now she was even more concerned than before. “Of course she is. I mean, you wouldn't be here if she wasn't okay. What's wrong, Harm?" Mac got on her feet and moved in front of him. She kneeled in front of him in the space between his legs and placed her hands on his knees. She looked deep in his eyes and witnessed an intense sadness there. "Harm, please?"

"I’m losing her, Mac" was the only thing Harm was able to say.

"Her dad?" Mac asked softly.

"Yes…. They're spending a few weeks together, camping in the Shenandoah Valley. She was so happy about it. Seeing her so happy made it clear to me that the time has come to let her go," Harm answered tearfully. "I'm happy for her, Mac. I just don't want to lose her," he continued while another tear fell down his cheek.

Mac took his face into her palms. She gently kissed his eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips. "Harm, you will never lose her. She'll always be a part of your life. When I talked with her, she told me over and over again that you are a big part of her life and that she never wants to not have you in it," Mac confidently told him before she took him into her arms, just to hold him for a while.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you tell me about this when I asked you in your office? I knew something was bothering you and I was worried."

"Mac, you already had so much on your plate, I didn't want to drop this on you on top of everything you were already going through. I thought I could deal with it on my own." Harm sighed shrugging his shoulders.

"But you couldn't, and I think that's what brought you here to me, Harm," Mac told him tenderly.

"You think so?" Harm asked astonished.

"No!" Mac answered seeing a very confused looking Harm. "I know so," Mac continued and gave him a little smile.

"Why are you so sure?" Harm wanted to know.

"Before you came here, I had a lot of time to think about everything. About the last year, Paraguay, Clay, Sadik, you… and most of all about me, Sarah MacKenzie," Mac told him hesitating briefly.

"What did you find out?"

"Oh, a lot of things actually. But the most important thing I've found out is...." Mac paused for a second closing her eyes and digging down deep within herself to find the strength to tell him what she always had wanted to tell him.

Harm could see she was fighting with herself. Letting go had always been hard for both of them. But like she said before, it was time and he gave her the time, just like she had done for him.

"The most important thing I found out is that I love you, Harmon Rabb Junior," Mac continued diligently.

She took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes with such intensity that she could have sworn she saw his soul. “You are my destiny, and I am yours. You complete me just like I complete you. We are one. There is no denying it anymore, Harm.”

"Sarah, I...." Harm started, but Mac's finger on his lips made him stop.

"Please, Harm, let me continue. You need to know why I said 'never' in Paraguay and why I did the things I've done in the past."

A nod from Harm gave her the permission to go on.

"My weakness made me say 'never' in Paraguay. That weakness was the fear to love you, Harm. I was never scared about you breaking my heart. I was scared about me breaking your heart. I have failed at every relationship I’ve ever had. Like I said last week 'men seem to pass through my life' and I didn't want to risk it with you. I couldn't risk it with you. I would rather have you in my life as my friend then not to have you at all. That's why I said 'never' to there being an 'us' in Paraguay. But dear God, I never thought it would end the way it did. You were gone. My greatest fear had come true and all because I tried not to let it happen in the first place. The result was the same. I need you in my life like I need the air to breath. Sarah MacKenzie without Harmon Rabb Jr. is like the ocean without the water; like a bird without wings. There is no way to survive." Mac stopped and inhaled deeply. It felt so good to let it all out and to finally say what she felt in her heart.

She exhaled and continued "You are my wings, Harm. And your love… well, it’s like the wind gently caressing my wings encouraging me to soar freely. You are what enables me to survive. When you are not near, you are haunting my dreams and my thoughts. But when you are here with me... I feel free. I feel 'Sarah' and I know who I am, and I know what I want. When I woke up this morning and you were holding me in your arms with your heart beating against mine, I knew I found my answer; I found 'Sarah' again."

"May I speak now?" Harm asked softly with a glimmer in his eyes.

"Yes, you may," Mac answered in a whisper.

Page 2    Michi's JAG Heaven - H & M Fanfiction